Recently, I realized (inadvertently by going to my own website for a recipe) I hadn’t posted anything in the Results section since August. Interestingly, not writing about any results in the last two months is exactly how I’ve been feeling…lacking results.
My lack of progress has been a nagging feeling I couldn’t put it into words until I read my own site. Frankly, I’ve been in a little funk. The high I felt over the last few months now waxes and wanes. I have no idea why. I just feel like something is missing and can’t put my finger on it. At times lately, I’ve been forgetful or felt like I am half way participating in life or constantly jogging to keep up. It’s like when you watch a strong wind pick up a small pile of leaves and they spin around, eventually scattering in every direction. That’s been me; I’m all over the place. And while I’m concerned, I’ve succumbed to it likely being that I am trying too hard, pushing too much to grow. Relentless overachieving tends to give me a shove back so I am keeping that in my peripheral vision for now.
One observation I’ve had during this period is that personal growth is somewhat lonely. People are happy for your change but don’t want to necessarily change with you. Every motivational piece you read or hear says that people change in their own time, in their own way. Still, wouldn’t it feel really good to change together? I am lucky to have one or two people who have made a few steps with me into the unknown. But of course, me being me, I want more. That fine line between satisfaction and dissatisfaction still stops me from meditation, the end goal. All I can do is hope for a quiet, peaceful mind. Does that come from caring less? How does one care less? Again, I ponder….
I also hit a wall in an online course I was taking on gratitude. I made it through three lessons before coming to a dead stop. A portion of the third lesson required fasting from complaining. I wanted to do this so badly I gave myself 10 days. I then failed on both days 1 and 2. Frustrated and unable to half-ass anything, I abandoned the entire course. I realize now I set the bar too high. I should have tried giving up complaining for a singular day. Then building on that day with 2 days and so on until I reached 10. From there, I can then try to take it to 66, as that is the number of days science says your brain needs to make something a habit. I am now back to the goal of a single day. Fingers crossed.
On the dietary front, I got the results of my food test back. It showed a clear sensitivity to all dairy. Unfortunately, it also showed eggs and oats. Breakfast and baking have changed completely. A few other random things showed up: brewer’s and baker’s yeast, clams, malt, cola, grapes, cilantro, asparagus, black pepper and pineapple. My doctor wants me to focus on dairy, eggs, oats and yeast right now and consume the rest in moderation. I miss eggs but am feeling much better. It seems as if eggs are the missing link to my remaining digestive issues.
My supplements also changed a little as I added in ½+ teaspoon of Glutagenics and changed my Estrodim to CDG Estrodim, by Metagenics and Orthomollecular respectively. The Glutagenics helps repair the gut lining and hands down is my favorite supplement thus far. Every day I feel my gut getting stronger. It has a slight licorice taste so I put a scoop of powder in my coffee, and the taste disappears with the acidity of the coffee. While the PMDD is down to a singular day a month, I desperately want it gone completely. The CDG component of the Estrodim flushes horded estrogen in three ways vs. one. It is also twice the price. But sometimes you pay for what you need, so right now it is worth the cost.
EMDR resumes in a couple weeks. In the meantime, I am working on a couple things which weren’t priorities when I began this journey. One is straightening out my bottom teeth which shifted during pregnancy with invisible retainers. Purely cosmetic but something I’ve wanted for a while. The second is my back, which has also been an issue since birthing my son. I finally saw a spine specialist to confirm my SI joints have been the source of my back pain for the past 4 years. While I’ve remained incredibly active and tolerated it, apparently it has caused a significant leg length difference in my right leg. My goal for early 2019 is an outpatient surgery to numb my SI joints while I go through a series of physical therapy sessions. I am excited about the possibility of living pain-free.
As an ending I will leave you with this: I am hella lucky. No, hella isn’t a word but, damn, it really describes how I feel. I am so blessed to be able to explore making myself whole from every angle. I’ve worked hard for the resources to do so and this website is 100% for others to try things I’ve done without bearing the full cost. I have one body and one mind, and I will be damned if they don’t last me another 40 years. I would love to spend the money on something luxurious, a fancy trip somewhere, a boat, a nicer car. But in the end, my longevity is more important. Yours is too.