I like writing when things are improving and find it hard to write when I have set backs. Hence, the slow blogging lately. But it dawned on me that not wanting to write when I’m struggling holds myself to an unrealistic standard. This is supposed to be raw and real, not some perfect internet version of a hard journey.
What prompted me to realize the perceptual flaw was a treadmill workout where I set the incline on high and crouch low, thus climbing upwards. I do the same climb on each side, then backwards. Last, I run. Fast. Somewhere between my right side and turning around, it dawned on me this is just like life. You’re in a slow climb from every angle. Sometimes it speeds up and you struggle to keep pace. In the end you’re sore as hell. Afterwards your muscles rebuild, you’re stronger. That’s exactly where I am mentally—somewhere between going backwards, super fast and pain. It will eventually make me stronger. I just need to keep climbing.
A few days before my last EMDR session I wanted to give up. It honestly freaked me out. As a self-proclaimed overachiever, I’ve never wanted to give up on anything. Janet asked whether I wanted to go through with EMDR session number 4. My reply was that I had to. If I didn’t there was a strong possibility I was going to trash all the progress I’d made and retreat.
After session #4, which was full of overwhelming memories of cruelty, I came full circle again: I am on this path so I do not repeat what was done to me. I am doing this primarily for my son. If I stop, the potential that I damage him increases. When faced with that reality, there is only one choice to keep going. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain (and give). I’m pushing forward through the hurt, doubt and occasional lack of self-control in attempt to learn everything I can to recreate my own normal. Giving up has officially been removed from my mental health vocabulary.
My doctor’s appointment involved a lot less emotions. My vitamin B, D and magnesium tests were back. The D and magnesium were on point. And while my vitamin B was in the 600’s (above normal levels), my doctor wants to see it in the 900’s so I started a B12 dropper in the a.m. I was also having some sluggishness in the morning so I added in another supplement called phosphatidylserine to energize my cell structure. It is a chemical made in your body which has other benefits too—mood, concentration, memory, stress reduction. I’d also been having more stomach issues than normal so my doctor suggested total corn elimination. I rarely eat corn itself, but I love tortilla chips with hot salsa (and Mexican food in general). Since corn can also be used in cooking oil, salad dressing, basically anything at restaurants I am opting for a food sensitivity blood test instead. I’ll get the results and modify as necessary. I’ve fallen back love with cooking so hopefully I can narrow down the aggravating foods to continue building up my GF DF recipe collection.
The only other goal I have now is incorporating more fun into my life. Whether that means little adventures with my son, dinner with close friends or just watching a show I like, I am savoring the good times, bringing me one step closer to the long-term goal of a quieter mind and eventually mediation….baby steps.